In the thirteenth episode of this Ramadan series, Dr. Omar Suleiman and Sh. Abdullah Oduro, joined by special guest Ustadha Sarah Sultan, explore gems from the thirteenth Juz’ of the Holy Quran.
Download the new eBook “Qur’an 30for30: Seerah Edition” here.
Jealousy and envy, among other vices, led some Makkans who could have been companions of the Prophet ﷺ to become disbelievers. In light of those incidents, Dr. Omar Suleiman, Sh. Abdullah Oduro, and Sr. Sarah Sultan reflect upon Allah’s warning to the disbelievers, how understanding His blessed Names can benefit us, and how to overcome our negative desires and vices.
Download our FREE eBook “Qur’an 30for30: The Companion Reader” here.
In a recent study of over 17,000 individuals, 64% of them had experienced something traumatic during their childhood years. Trauma can be something your friend endured as a child, an event your sibling has kept private to themselves, or a load that you have been quietly carrying with you without even realizing it.
In this episode, host Mohammed Zaoud talks to licensed therapists Najwa Awad, LSCW-C and Sarah Sultan, LPC, LMHC, authors of “Trauma: Your Lord Has Not Forsaken You,” about the impact of trauma on faith.
Subscribe using your preferred app:
Apple: https://apple.co/2Mq9d6Z
Google: https://bit.ly/3aSW3IZ
Spotify: https://spoti.fi/2MoX3LC
YouTube: https://bit.ly/3qXqiUL
Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted.[1]
It all started in college. Ahmed couldn’t remember the exact turning point but, little by little, anxiety, anger, and negativity began to overtake his daily life. He struggled to sleep due to his racing heart and mind and also started to feel like getting out of bed each morning was a monumental task. Studying for exams became difficult after his first failing grade and his constant worries about further failures. Nearly every day was filled with dread and anger. He couldn’t understand where all of these feelings were coming from.
Ahmed had looked forward to a career as a pharmacist but, as he continued to struggle in his classes, he gave up on this ambition. He had looked forward to getting married but marriage apps increased his anxiety and frustration levels. Slowly, his goals and dreams began to disappear. Friendships began to deteriorate as his struggles amplified and he complained about everything going on in his life each time he hung out with someone. He found himself getting angry over small things and noticed his friends stopped spending time with him, making him feel even more resentful. He began to miss prayers as he began to feel angry toward Allah for everything he was going through. He had done everything “right”—he had worked hard, prayed, been a good person and a good student—but he was still struggling with uncontrollable emotions. He thought to himself, “It doesn’t matter what I do; I tried my best and I’m still suffering. What did I do to deserve this?”
When life takes a turn in a direction we did not anticipate, we suddenly have to reassess our lives and accept a new reality. The dreams we had so tenderly nurtured are suddenly burned to the ground only to be replaced by the scary realization that our lives are not at all what we had pictured.
Coming to terms with a new reality involves the loss of a great deal in our lives. Every trauma involves some sort of loss—the loss of something tangible, such as a loved one, a job, a marriage, or one’s health or the loss of something intangible, such as the dream we had once envisioned our lives would look like. No one expects that their pregnancy will end in miscarriage, that a dream job won’t be nearly as fulfilling as anticipated, or that a marriage will end. Once reality hits, it can be difficult to cope.
When difficult situations befall us, it is natural to experience pain and a sense of disappointment, shock, and anger. After all, you likely spent hours imagining what your life would look like only to realize it didn’t pan out in the way you envisioned. This can bring up a variety of difficult thoughts and questions including, “Why do I keep getting hurt?” and “What did I do to deserve this?” and “Is God angry with me?”
When these thoughts take hold, they can sometimes result in negative feelings toward Allah (swt). We can never say it is “ok” or “permissible” to internalize anger or ill will toward Allah; however, it is important to know that it is a lot more common than you may think.
Abū Hurayrah narrates that a companion came to the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) and asked: “We have thoughts which we cannot dare talk about and we do not like that we have them.” The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: “Do you really experience this? Yes, they replied. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said: “They [those concerns] are clear signs of faith.”[2]
We see in this hadith that even some of the best people to walk this earth, our righteous predecessors, struggled with these fearful, confusing thoughts of feeling inadequate in their relationship with Allah (swt). With regards to these difficult thoughts, the Prophet ﷺ told us, “Verily, Allah has pardoned my nation for what occurs within themselves, as long as they do not speak of it or act upon it.”[3] These passing thoughts say nothing about your faith in Allah; rather, the discomfort you feel in experiencing these thoughts is indicative of how important your relationship with Allah (swt) is to you.
Our minds often behave as though we possess a crystal ball, magic mirror, or telepathy (mind-reading) ability. Of course, none of these are real or possible yet our minds can trick us into believing that our thoughts are accurate despite it being impossible to ascertain the future or what others are really thinking.
This “magical” ability we act as though our minds have is called jumping to conclusions. This type of cognitive distortion (negative thought pattern) is defined as creating a negative interpretation of something even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support that conclusion. Jumping to conclusions can occur in two ways: mind-reading and fortune-telling. “Mind-reading” involves a person thinking that others are negatively evaluating them or have bad intentions for them. When a person is “fortune-telling,” they are predicting a negative future outcome or deciding that situations will turn out badly before the situation has even occurred.
As human beings, our minds and our hearts search for meaning. When someone you care about hurts you or when a tragedy strikes, your brain makes assumptions about why this has happened. We tend to pick interpretations that fit with our existing view of the world. The problem with this is that traumatic experiences change our view of the world from one that is realistic to one that is fear-based and pessimistic. Every conclusion we come to and every perception will be based on something inaccurate—pain, fear, and anger.
What started as one difficulty becomes something insurmountable because our minds perceive it to be so. Your mind begins to jump to conclusions to make sense of the situation but these conclusions are often negative and painful. Consider these examples:
You’ve lost your job and so you begin to think, “I must be a fool, that’s why I was fired. There’s no way I’ll ever be employed again.”
Your engagement has not come to fruition and you think to yourself, “She must have found someone better. I’m not worthy of being a husband. No one will find me worthwhile or worthy of love.”
You have miscarried during your pregnancy and you think, “Allah must think that I’ll be a bad mother so He’ll never bless me with a child.”
The way we think is incredibly powerful and it can either help us to move forward or break us during difficulties.
Although we know of so many examples from our Islamic tradition that teach us that, spiritually, trials are good for us, they definitely don’t always feel good in the moment. Difficult emotions naturally arise during times of struggle including pain, disappointment, sadness, and anxiety. Every emotion serves the function of signaling to us that something is happening.
Another emotion that may arise during times of struggle is that of anger. Anger is a natural part of life as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ describes, “Verily, anger is a burning ember in the heart of the son of Adam.”[4] Although this is a human emotion, it can be detrimental to us in many circumstances. Anger can feel overwhelming and sometimes terrifying if it seems uncontrollable; it can be helpful to understand how anger moves through your brain and body before we discuss ways to regain a sense of control over this emotion.
Stress Response: When something happens (a trigger), anger activates the amygdala in your brain before you’re even aware that it’s happening. The amygdala is the brain area responsible for emotional processing, particularly fear, anxiety, and aggression. When anger surges, the amygdala turns on the stress response system in your brain and body to prepare your body to respond to a threat. The adrenal glands secrete stress hormones (i.e., cortisol, adrenaline, and noradrenaline), which impact your brain and body quickly.
Judgment Reduction and Pain Amplification: The brain regions that are responsible for good judgment and making new memories (prefrontal cortex and hippocampus) start to experience a loss of neurons[5] in this situation. That’s why you might struggle to make good decisions or remember what you wanted to say during an argument when you are struggling with anger. Along with neuron loss, too much cortisol also decreases serotonin, which is the hormone that makes you feel happy. With less serotonin, anger is amplified, as are physical and emotional pain.[6]
Jumping to Conclusions and Assuming the Worst: Furthermore, researchers have found that when something negative happens and you’re not 100% sure what caused it to happen, you are more likely to jump to negative conclusions and to quickly associate two things together that may not actually be linked.[7] When there is a lack of clarity, it’s very easy for our brains to choose the worst possible explanation despite it being highly unlikely. When your spouse is late and not answering his phone, do you immediately start to wonder if he has been in a car accident? Our minds often jump to negative conclusions despite rationally knowing that the likelihood is much less than a simpler conclusion (i.e., your husband’s phone ran out of charge).
Consider the way jumping to conclusions might progress after something like a miscarriage:
“I’ve been hoping for a child for so long and now the chance has been snatched away from me.”
“What did I do to deserve this? Allah must think I’m unworthy of being a mother.”
(Mind-reading)
“If I’m unworthy of being a mother, I’ll never have a child and my husband will hate me.”
(Fortune-telling and Mind-reading)
“My husband will divorce me and I’ll be alone forever. ”
(Fortune-telling)
Now that we understand the impact that jumping to conclusions can have on your life and thought process, let’s explore how to change these thoughts.
Jumping to conclusions depends on false evidence, fear, and distrust. People often have the misconception that “expecting the worst” will save them from disappointment. However, in reality, setting our sights on the worst possible outcome only sets us up for anxiety and depression. When we expect that people will mistreat us, our fear prevents us from nurturing healthy relationships. When we expect to fail at something, we are much less likely to try our best due to our fears. Allah says, “Indeed, those who have believed [in Prophet Muhammad] and those [before Him] who were Jews or Sabeans or Christians—those [among them] who believed in Allah and the Last Day and did righteousness—no fear will there be for them, nor will they grieve.”[8]
Jumping to conclusions can also impact your faith and can leave you feeling shaken. Consider how an initial thought might lead down this path:
“I’ve always worked hard and been a good Muslim but I still lost my job. Why does Allah allow bad things to happen to good people?”
“Allah didn’t save my job, so He must not care about me.”
(Mind-reading)
“I can’t believe Allah would do this to me. I do everything right and get nothing in return. Nothing is going to change so there’s no point in trying.”
(Fortune-telling)
Our thoughts can drastically impact our emotions and behaviors. When anger floods our minds and hearts, it’s easy for our thoughts to follow suit as well. However, as we see in the example above, allowing our angry thoughts to take root can be detrimental to our relationship with Allah (swt) and can negatively impact our desire to connect with Him.
It’s inevitable to jump to some sort of conclusion when something happens. We naturally try to make sense of life by interpreting events and predicting what seems logical in the moment. However, we can choose which conclusion or interpretation we want. We may not be able to control the emotions we immediately feel upon receiving devastating news or witnessing a tragedy. We may not even be able to control the immediate passing thoughts that come to our minds in such a situation. However, we all have a choice: We can choose to dwell on thoughts that bring us closer to Allah or that push us further away from Him. And we can choose actions that either increase the strength of our connection with Allah or decrease it.
Consider the example of Mūsá عليه السلام when he was trapped with the army of Pharoah on one side and the Red Sea on the other. In these verses see the example of two different thought processes: One that would strengthen your relationship with Allah (swt) and one that would diminish it.
When the two groups came face to face, the companions of Moses cried out, “We are overtaken for sure.” Moses reassured [them], “Absolutely not! My Lord is certainly with me—He will guide me.” So We inspired Moses: “Strike the sea with your staff,” and the sea was split, each part was like a huge mountain.[9]
During a difficult situation, the people of Mūsá jumped to the conclusion that they were doomed, which brought about feelings of fear and devastation. We see a very different response in Mūsá (as) when he assumed the opposite. He expected good from Allah (swt) and received a miracle that we still reflect on today.
We find the evidence we search for, so search for the good and watch your thoughts and emotions transform.
Our lives do not always follow the trajectory that we hope for. The standards we often set for ourselves in order to be happy and content may not always be realistic. Likewise, the expectations that we have for Allah (swt)—namely to decree everything we deem best for ourselves or that we have decided should be a part of our life plan—create a very narrow view of our lives and, more importantly, our perception of Allah (swt). When our perception of Allah (swt) is based on this inaccurate perception, we tend to fall prey to a variety of misconceptions about our lives, our struggles and why these things are happening.
Addressing these misconceptions can be a beneficial step for our mental and spiritual health.
Life is filled with uncertainty. Change and unknowns are always imminent but we tend to imagine we are immune to unpredictability. The tests we endure serve as a reminder that we’re not. Although in reality even a week ago we didn’t know if we’d be alive right now, our daily lives lull us into a false sense of certainty.
Allah (swt) reminds us, “Do the people think that they will be left to say, ‘We believe’ and they will not be tried? We certainly tested those before them. And [in this way] Allah will clearly distinguish between those who are truthful and those who are liars.”[10]
Although our lives are filled with uncertainty, we know one thing for sure: That we will be tested. The sooner we accept this reality, the better we will be able to cope in difficult situations. Every struggle that comes our way gives us the opportunity to teach ourselves to cope with distress, sit with discomfort, and accept circumstances that we can’t control while simultaneously working on what can be changed.
Action Point: Channel your energy in a positive direction rather than fighting against the inevitable. Acceptance of reality gives you the opportunity to take action. Although you may imagine that your life should have looked different, the reality is that you are precisely where you are meant to be at this point in your life. Asking why is not as important as asking “Now what?” Rather than asking why this is happening, ask yourself: “This is happening. So now what?” Our responses, not the circumstances themselves, dictate how we live our lives. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are perfectly equipped to deal with everything you’re facing because you were meant to face it. Allah reminds us, “Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear…”[11] This doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard but it does mean that you have the tools to overcome it. Remember, if Allah has chosen you to face these tests, then you are guaranteed to have the ability to succeed through them.
As human beings, we pass judgment based on the good and bad that we can directly see. Suddenly thoughts like, “I must be a bad person to be enduring so much pain” come up. When things don’t turn out as we would like them to, it is very tempting to assume that had we done things differently, the story would have had a happier ending. We have a need to believe that the world makes sense, that there is a clear cause for every effect, and a reason that we can grasp for everything that happens. These thoughts are a form of severe self-criticism and can amplify the pain you’re already enduring.
The antidote to self-criticism is self-compassion and is something provided to us by Allah (swt). We tend to operate under the assumption that Allah gives good things and allows good to befall those whom He loves. But in reality, Allah tells us that He tests those who He loves. And in reality, both times of ease and times of hardship are tests as well as blessings.
And as for man, when his Lord tries him and [thus] is generous to him and favors him, he says, “My Lord has honored me.” But when He tries him and restricts his provision, he says, “My Lord has humiliated me.”[12]
The verse that immediately follows this begins with the word kallā, meaning “But no!” Here we see that Allah (swt) denies this thought process and that He gives to those He loves as well as those whom He does not love; and that He withholds from those He loves as well as those He does not love. Blessings and difficulties are not an indication of the love of Allah.
We imagine that hardships indicate that Allah is punishing us, that Allah wants ill for us; that we’ve worshipped Him for years and instead of blessings, we have been dealt hardships. However, consider other times in your life where pain literally yielded gain. The pain of exercise led to fitness and better physical and mental health. The pain of studying for a huge exam led to feeling prepared and doing well. The pain of working on better communication with your spouse led to a healthier relationship.
Hardships differentiate us—they allow us to progress and grow. Sometimes this growth is seen in this dunyā and sometimes it’s saved for the ākhirah.
Regardless, ask yourself: If Allah truly wanted to harm you, why would there be such a tremendous reward guaranteed for you in the ākhirah for what you’re enduring?
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Allah, the Exalted, says: ‘I have no reward except Jannah for a believing slave of Mine who shows patience and anticipates My reward when I take away his favorite one from the inhabitants of the world.’”[13]
The supplications of three persons are never turned away: a fasting person until he breaks his fast, a just ruler, and the supplication of the oppressed which is raised by Allah above the clouds, the gates of heaven are opened for it, and the Lord says: “By my might, I will help you in due time.”[14]
The Prophet ﷺ said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.”[15]
These don’t sound like punishments, do they?
Action Point: Thoughts that you are deserving of pain and a life filled with negativity are a symptom of self-criticism. The antidote is self-compassion. Acknowledge the tremendous pain you’re enduring for a moment without trying to push it away. Once you have sat with this emotion for a few moments, consider how you would speak to a friend who is struggling with the same situation. What words would you use? Write out some kind, supportive, and gentle words that you would share with a friend and read them out to yourself. How does it feel to receive compassion during this difficult moment?
Rather than expecting that Allah (swt) will grant us everything we want in the way we want it, shifting our understanding to realize that He (swt) provides us with everything we need can improve both our mental and spiritual health.
When we jump to conclusions about why certain tests were sent our way or why they shouldn’t have been sent our way, we imagine, unwittingly, that we are capable of knowing what Allah is thinking. However, consider the Name of Allah, al-Ḥakīm: the One who is Most Knowing, Most Wise; the One who acts with perfect knowledge, wisdom and comprehension of everything; the One who does the proper thing in the proper way in the proper place at the proper time.
Abū Bakr (raḍiya Allāhu ʿanhu) used to say: “O Allah! You know me more than I know myself.”[16] When we cannot even master baking a cake to perfection each time (with a recipe in hand), how can we expect to master an understanding of every facet of the universe or even every facet of our own lives?
The difference between Allah’s knowledge and human knowledge is that we must acquire our knowledge by what we see and experience around us. On the other hand, Allah’s knowledge has no beginning or end and is not based on trial and error. Allah (swt) tells us in the Qur’an:
And with Him are the keys of the unseen; none knows them except Him. And He knows what is on the land and in the sea. Not a leaf falls but that He knows it. And no grain is there within the darknesses of the earth and no moist or dry [thing] but that it is [written] in a clear record.[17]
While we focus on the single thread we imagine is perfectly needed in our lives, Allah (swt) sees the entire, beautiful tapestry that every single thread will eventually become. When Allah, the All-Knowing, The Mighty, The Wise tells us that both times of ease and times of hardship are tests and each has its blessings, we can confidently embrace this despite not always being able to see how this tapestry is being weaved.
Consider this statement by Ibn al-Qayyim,
Evil, as an independent phenomenon whereby no dimension of good is involved, has no existence in this world. There is nothing in our existence that can be called pure evil, because every evil in this world is good from one angle or another. For instance, sickness harms the body from one angle, while from other angles tests patience, evokes resilience, and may even strengthen immunity. Most disliked things are usually this way; never void of some benefit or another for the human being.[18]
Feelings of sadness and distress can lead to a pessimistic view of life and the world. Often it takes humility to truly be able to embrace Allah’s Wisdom. When our emotions tell us one thing, but the Word of Allah tells us another, it takes humility to say, “I know I can’t understand the full wisdom of Allah’s decrees but I can accept that they exist even if I don’t see them right now.”
Action Item: Remember that Allah (swt) gives us everything we need but not everything that we want. Have you ever thought you desperately needed something, were disappointed that it didn’t come to fruition and, after some time, you learned something that made you realize that it wasn’t right for you? Write about that experience and notice what thoughts and emotions come up.
When bad things happen, it doesn’t mean Allah likes it. For example, does Allah like it when people do not worship Him? Of course not since Allah says, “And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.”[19] When we assume that everyone, including Allah, is out to get us or don’t care about us, we fall into the cognitive distortion of mind-reading. We assume ill intentions of Allah because our emotions overtake our thoughts. However, consider the statement of the Prophet ﷺ,
Allah says: “I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e., I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.”[20]
Does Allah truly wish you ill if He promises to come nearer to you if you take even the tiniest step toward Him? In reality, our thought processes regarding Allah have much more to do with us than they have to do with Allah. Therefore, it makes sense that Allah is as we expect Him to be—if we expect good of Allah, we will find good in every situation; if we expect bad from Allah, we will perceive that.
When we have been through something traumatic, our mind tricks us into misconceptions about Allah rather than thinking of Him as He deserves to be thought of. This can be particularly true when we have been hurt by someone in our lives.
When a person hurts you, it doesn’t mean that Allah (swt) doesn’t care that you are suffering. Allah (swt) has granted each of us free will. Through this free will, He allows things to happen but holds each of us accountable for whatever is done. Allowing something to happen is not the same as allowing it to slide. Ibn al-Qayyim states,
When the slave commits an ugly prohibited act, what he did is certainly evil and sinful, and the Lord is the One who enabled him to be the ‘doer’ of that [deed]. This enablement from God is justice, mercy, and correctness, for Him making someone capable of acting [freely] is good, while its manifestation [in this case] was evil and ugly. By enabling, God has placed things where they belong, for that [granting free will] contains profound wisdom for which He should be praised. Therefore, this is actually good and wise and beneficial, even if what the slave does is a flaw, a defect, and evil.[21]
While free will is a blessing, it also means that sometimes this free will is used for evil. Allah is not the direct cause of this evil, nor does He like it, however He permits free will to remain for a higher purpose and the greater good. Allowing people to commit evil does not indicate that Allah doesn’t love us or care for us since it was a part of his love and care to provide us with the freedom to begin with. If you are unsure of Allah’s love, consider this hadith:
It was narrated that ʿUmar ibn al-Khaṭṭāb (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “Some prisoners were brought to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), and there was a woman among the prisoners who was searching (for her child). When she found her child she embraced him and put him to her breast. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said to us, ‘Do you think that this woman would throw her child in the fire?’ We said, ‘No, by Allah, not if she is able not to.’ The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, ‘Allah is more merciful to His slaves than this woman is to her child.’”[22]
Action Item: Our emotions can be very powerful but so can our thoughts and actions. When you notice yourself feeling unloved and doubting that Allah (swt) cares about you, consider ways that He has shown you love and care throughout your life. To work on your difficult emotions through changing your thoughts, create a list of the different ways Allah has protected you, shown you mercy, and given you what you need. To work on your difficult emotions through changing your actions, create a list of ways you can choose to nurture your relationship with Allah (swt) and pick one to focus on today.
Consider the following steps as antidotes to jumping to negative conclusions about Allah (swt) during times of hardship:
And He has granted you all that you asked Him for. If you tried to count Allah’s blessings, you would never be able to enumerate them…[24]
Satan threatens you with poverty and orders you to immorality, while Allah promises you forgiveness from Him and bounty. And Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.[25]
And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah—then He is sufficient for him.[26]
The Prophet ﷺ advised his daughter, Fatima radi Allahu `anha, to say in the morning and in the evening: “O Allah, I have hope in Your Mercy, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for a blink of an eye, and rectify for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be worshipped except You.”[27]
ʿAbd Allāh ibn ʿUmar reported: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ would supplicate saying, “O Allah, I seek refuge in you from a decline in your blessings, the transformation of the wellness You have provided, Your sudden retribution, and all things displeasing to you.”[28]
Channel your energy in a positive direction rather than fighting against the inevitable. Acceptance of reality allows you to take action. Rather than asking why this is happening, ask yourself: “This is happening. So now what?”
What small step can you take to move forward once you have accepted the reality of the struggle you’re enduring?
Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are perfectly equipped to deal with everything you’re facing because you were meant to face it. What skills/capabilities/strengths/blessings have you been equipped with?
Notice self-critical thoughts that are going through your mind. Write them down.
The antidote to self-criticism is self-compassion. Consider how you would speak to a friend who is struggling with the same situation. What words would you use? Write out some kind, supportive, and gentle words that you would share with a friend and read them out to yourself.
How does it feel to receive compassion during this difficult moment?
Remember that Allah (swt) gives us everything we need but not everything that we want. Have you ever thought you desperately needed something, were disappointed that it didn’t come to fruition and, after some time, you learned something that made you realize that it wasn’t right for you? Write about that experience and notice what thoughts and emotions come up.
Our emotions can be very powerful but so can our thoughts and actions. When you notice yourself feeling unloved and doubting that Allah (swt) cares about you, consider ways that He has shown you love and care throughout your life.
To work on your difficult emotions through changing your thoughts, create a list of the different ways Allah has protected you, shown you mercy, and given you what you need.
To work on your difficult emotions through changing your actions, create a list of ways you can choose to nurture your relationship with Allah (swt) and pick one to focus on today.
Be Aware of Your Thoughts:
When you are experiencing a negative emotion, ask yourself: What is going through your mind right now? What conclusion is your mind jumping to?
Focus on the Facts:
What are some observable and tangible facts about this situation? Do these facts match the thought you wrote above?
Consider Other Possibilities:
What are some other possible results in this situation other than the one you fear will happen? Or what are some other possible things that this person may be thinking? What are some times in the past when you have had positive outcomes in a similar situation?
Accept Uncertainty and Focus on the Present Moment:
What is something that is certain right at this moment? What is something you can say to yourself to help you to accept that some of what you are dealing with right now is beyond your control?
After realizing that his friends all hung out at their favorite spot without him over the weekend, Ahmed felt his anger bubble over once again. After he cooled down a bit, he started to wonder about the impact he might be having on his relationships with people. He began to think back to his interactions with friends and realized that over the past few months, he hadn’t asked any of them how they were doing. Each time he spoke to someone, he complained about his own struggles. He started going through his friends’ Instagram accounts and realized that at least two of them had been dealing with their own difficulties during this time. This was the starting point that led Ahmed to reflect on the cycle that had led him to this point and to begin to gain a greater sense of control over his unhealthy responses to difficult situations.
Ahmed began to pick up on patterns of behavior in his life as well as the thoughts that would go through his mind that kept him feeling hurt, angry, and hopeless and that impacted his relationships with Allah and others. As Ahmed began to identify his fortune-telling and mind-reading thought patterns, he began to work on them. Instead of thinking, “What’s the point of studying since it’s pretty impossible to get my grades up,” he began to think, “I can’t change the past but I can do my best to put in effort for the future.” Instead of thinking, “My friends must hate me and that’s why they aren’t hanging out with me anymore,” he began to think, “I’ve been really focused on my own struggles lately and haven’t been as kind to my friends so that’s something I’d like to work on.”
As he worked on these negative thought patterns, his behaviors changed as he began to identify the things that triggered his angry outbursts and began to practice healthier ways of responding to them. He began to exercise daily to release the adrenaline that was building up in his body. He felt a greater sense of calmness and began to feel proud of the way he was able to communicate with other people. He made it a point to ask his friends how they were doing and to journal about his own struggles to offer himself the release he needed.
Ahmed applied the same awareness to his thoughts about Allah and the impact this had on his relationship with Him. He realized that he had been thinking that Allah didn’t care for him due to all of the struggles he was enduring. When he realized that this was an example of mind-reading, Ahmed began to remind himself, “Allah tests those He loves and I have to do my part to change my life as well.” Ahmed reflected on the ways Allah had shown love and care to him in the past and present to alleviate these negative thoughts. As his thoughts toward Allah improved, his connection through acts of worship also improved. As he began to feel deserving of good, he began to take the initiative to increase the good in his life.
[1] Christine Caine, “Sometimes when you’re in a dark place,” Facebook, January 9, 2016, https://www.facebook.com/theChristineCaine.
[2] Sunan Abī Dāwūd, no. 5111.
[3] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 6287; Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, no. 127.
[4] Jāmiʿ al-Tirmidhī, no. 2191.
[5] Wayne C. Drevets, Joseph L. Price, Joseph R. Simpson, Richard D. Todd, Theodore Reich, Michael Vannier, and Marcus E. Raichle, “Subgenual Prefrontal Cortex Abnormalities in Mood Disorders,” Nature 386 (1997): 824–27.
[6] “How Anger Affects the Brain and Body,” The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine, accessed July 10, 2020, https://www.nicabm.com/how-anger-affects-the-brain-and-body-infographic/.
[7] Sang Wan Lee, John P. O’Doherty, and Shinsuke Shimojo, “Neural Computations Mediating One-Shot Learning in the Human Brain,” PLoS Biology 13, no. 4 (2015), art. no. e1002137, ISSN 1544-9173.
[8] Qur’an 5:69.
[9] Qur’an 26:61–63.
[10] Qur’an 29:2–3.
[11] Qur’an 2:286.
[12] Qur’an 89:15–16.
[13] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 6424.
[14] Jamiʿ al-Tirmidhī, no. 3598.
[15] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, nos. 5641, 5642.
[16] Rida M. Ibn Atheer, Abu Bakr al-Seddeq: The First Caliph (Beirut: Dar al-Kotob al-Ilmiyah, 2008), 18.
[17] Qur’an 6:59.
[18] Ibn al-Qayyim, Shifāʾ al-ʿalīl fī masāʾil al-qaḍāʾ wa-al-qadar wa-al-ḥikmah wa-al-ta‘līl (Cairo: Dār at-Turāth, 1978), 380–413.
[19] Qur’an 51:56.
[20] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 7405.
[21] Ibn al-Qayyim, Shifāʾ al-‘alīl, 361.
[22] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 5653; Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, no. 6921.
[23] Ibn al-Qayyim al-Jawzīyah, al-Fawāʾid (n.p.: Dār al-Salām, 2019), 151–2.
[24] Qur’an 14:34.
[25] Qur’an 2:268.
[26] Qur’an 65:3.
[27] Jamiʿ al-Tirmidhī, no. 3524.
[28] Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, no. 2739.
Sarah Sultan looks back on her transformative experience making du’a in front of the Ka’bah.
Tune in with Sarah Sultan and Dr. Omar Suleiman for Qur’anic Healing.
Humans have an innate need for validation, but when does it become an issue? Sarah Sultan outlines the ways validation can get in the way of our spirituality and some practical steps we can implement to reduce the need for it.
Grief is a natural and emotional reaction to the loss of someone or something important to you. The loss can be a person, an object, or even a way of life. During a time of loss, emotions can be intensely painful, affecting all aspects of life and relationships. In the midst of this struggle, it is important to realize that grief is normal; it is not an illness and it is not something negative. Grief shows that you cared deeply for whatever it is that you lost.
For some people, grief might be felt in spikes throughout the day, for others it may suddenly come up every few days. Some have compared it to feeling as though they are drowning due to the tidal waves of emotion that affect them at times. Others might say that it feels like it’s an extra weight on their heart or shoulders that they carry around with them wherever they go. Everyone experiences grief differently and on a different timeline; your emotional response to grief may be very different from what you’ve seen or how you anticipate you may react.
The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ experienced many losses throughout his life and taught us that grief is a real and natural emotional response. The Prophet ﷺmanifested his grief on different occasions and demonstrated the permissibility of showing our feelings of sadness when we lose something precious:
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ visited Saʿd ibn ʿUbādah during his illness. He was accompanied by ʿAbd al-Raḥmān ibn ʿAwf, Saʿd ibn Abī Waqqāṣ, and ʿAbd Allāh ibn Masʿūd (may Allah be pleased with them). The Messenger of Allah ﷺ began to weep. When his Companions saw this, their tears also started flowing. He ﷺ said, “Do you not hear, Allah does not punish for the shedding of tears or the grief of the heart but punishes or bestows mercy for the utterances of this (and he pointed to his tongue).”[1]
Consider some of the losses the Prophet ﷺ endured:
During the current coronavirus crisis, a grief response is completely normal. COVID-19 has been a sudden life-altering experience for the entire globe. In just a few months, the disease has gone from being a novel virus affecting a few people in one city to the entire world on lock-down. There is an overall feeling that the world has changed, which is a tremendous loss. We have lost our routines, a sense of consistency and predictability, a loss of normalcy, economic stability, and connection. Everyone’s life has been affected in one way or another—interpersonally, spiritually, economically, emotionally, and physically.
And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, Who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return.” Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.[2]
One of the most profound losses during this time has been freedom. Freedom to go out without anxiety about getting sick, freedom to go out and socialize, freedom to go to work, freedom to engage in public recreational activities/facilities, and overall freedom to experience whatever level of functioning we had before. Suddenly the most mundane, normal tasks can be anxiety-provoking. Even the simple task of going to the grocery store can be filled with changes, worries, and discomfort. Seeing everyone wearing masks and gloves, minimizing interactions, being unable to see others’ smiles, and struggling with worries about sanitizing can be a profound reminder of the loss of some of the freedoms and ease we never realized we had.
The tumultuous changes that have overtaken the world over the past several weeks have led many of us to experience a lack of control in very profound ways. During a time of so much uncertainty, many people may experience feelings of fear and anxiety. You may even feel frozen and hesitant to make decisions or take a step in any direction. The predictability of our lives is something that is sorely missed.
Without a doubt, the hardest of losses has been the loss of life. As numbers of people around the world with COVID-19 have been rising, so have been the death tolls. Beloved spouses, children, parents, community members, and friends have been dying around the world. Everyone knows someone who either has the disease or has passed away from the disease, even if it hasn’t directly affected their inner circle.
Physical distancing has created barriers between family members and friends causing a sense of loss in social life and connection with others. Although physical distancing is not synonymous with social isolation many people miss seeing their friends and extended family members. This is particularly impactful during this year’s unique Ramadan. Weddings, graduations, and many celebrations have been canceled; these important milestones mean a lot for people and earlier this year it was unfathomable that these events would not take place. Realize that in following quarantine rules during this unprecedented time, you are following the prescription provided by the Prophet ﷺwhen asked about the plague. He said, “That was a means of torture which Allah used to send upon whomsoever He wished, but He made it a source of mercy for the believers, for anyone who is residing in a town in which this disease is present, and remains there and does not leave that town, but has patience and hopes for Allah’s reward, and knows that nothing will befall him except what Allah has written for him, then he will get such reward as that of a martyr.”[3]
For Muslims around the world, it has been very difficult watching spiritual practices curtailed because of the need to socially distance. The Kaʿbah has been temporarily closed and Hajj may even be canceled this year. Friday prayer has been stopped, a weekly ritual and source of spiritual nourishment for Muslims globally. Celebrations of life (aqīqahs) and funerals (janāzahs) have also been diminished in size. Spiritual traditions this Ramadan look very different and it’s a big adjustment for the community as a whole.
Due to COVID-19, many people have either lost their jobs completely or have had their hours reduced, which of course has financial implications for families and businesses. When individuals are making less money, they are not able to provide for their basic needs like paying for housing, food, and cannot maintain the same quality of life as before. When people are not able to pay for basic necessities, businesses also suffer thereby increasing layoffs and financial implications across communities and nations. Economic insecurity causes anxiety, sadness, fear, and sometimes even panic.
Safety measures to protect the virus from spreading have led to schools being closed and keeping children at home. Although most university and grade school students are now participating in school online, there has certainly been a loss of structure and routine. Parents, especially working mothers, now have to manage working outside the home (or in the home) while simultaneously taking care of their children. These parents now have two jobs—their regular job plus the job of their daycare provider or school. It can be very difficult to manage both roles at the same time along with traditional 9 AM to 5 PM schedules, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
Many of the losses and changes we experience alter parts of who we are and the roles we fulfill. The loss of a parent may mean that you no longer have the role of son or daughter. The loss of a job may mean that you are unsure whether you can provide for your family, a role you were likely proud of and in which you found a sense of fulfillment. If you were someone particularly active in your community, being unable to do the tasks that you enjoyed may leave you feeling a lack of purpose. All of these losses play an important role in our emotional struggles and the way we perceive ourselves as we cope through this pandemic.
Grief involves a struggle to re-establish equilibrium in your life. Creating a new balance involves external, internal, and spiritual adjustments. Some of these adjustments include: accepting the way the loss you’ve experienced impacts your daily life and everyday functioning in the world; confronting the impact this loss has on your sense of self; and processing the effect this loss has on your beliefs, values, and your connection with Allah (swt) as well as others in your life. William Worden* calls these tasks of mourning[4] and while your grief experience will be unique, exploring ways to process and cope with these changes can be helpful in the healing process.
*See infographic on the 4 tasks of mourning
When the entire world is changing around you and life looks like you’re walking through a movie script rather than reality, experiencing a sense of shock is a normal response. Experiencing a feeling of denial of reality is a confusing state of mind that occurs before we fully grasp the gravity of what is happening and can be accompanied by feelings of disbelief or disregard for the reality of the situation.
Sadness is usually associated with loss. You might feel down and cry more often than you usually do. It may also feel like you have less motivation and find less enjoyment in activities you used to love.
Loss causes sadness but it can also cause a great deal of anxiety as the world feels unpredictable. Your anxiousness may be experienced as general nervousness, heart palpitations, restlessness, irritability, and/or difficulty breathing.
The entire world is undergoing collective trauma with the experience of COVID-19. When we experience trauma individually, we tend to go into one of three modes: fight, flight, or freeze. Freezing up may lead you to feel like you can’t get up and do anything. You might also feel like you can’t make decisions or know what the next step is.
There are many reasons why someone might feel guilty during this time. There might be spiritual guilt that collective sins led to this happening or not being appreciative of how life was before (seeing that it’s so much more difficult now). Those who are privileged with financial security may feel guilty that others are struggling economically. Those privileged with larger homes may feel guilty that others are enduring quarantine in tiny living spaces. Those with limited resources may feel guilty that they can not provide sustenance for their family members.
Anger is a normal emotional reaction during times of loss. Anger is the body’s natural reaction to threat and, oftentimes, there is no greater threat than the loss of someone you love or the loss of the way you envisioned life would be. Anger can also feel powerful during times when we feel powerless. You may find yourself experiencing thoughts like, “Why is this happening?” If you have loved ones who are not taking precautions against contracting COVID-19, you may experience anger toward them. Those who have lost their jobs may feel anger at being unable to care for their families financially. Anger toward God may also come up during various losses wondering, “I’ve done everything right so why me?”
A traumatic event is an incident (or series of incidents) that causes a tremendous amount of stress and overwhelms a person’s ability to cope. Psychological trauma usually sends individuals into a fight, flight, or freeze response that can manifest itself in aggression (fight), avoidance or running away (flight), or not being able to do anything at all (freeze). When a person experiences Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) they may experience flashbacks, nightmares, and uncontrollable thoughts about what happened. Traumatic grief can be defined in many ways but is usually looked at as an abrupt or extremely difficult loss followed by feeling destabilized and unable to cope.
While it is anticipated that everyone will be grieving as a result of COVID-19, there are individuals who will be more susceptible to traumatic grief:
While the different theories and models of grief can never fully convey what a person goes through during times of loss, the stages-of-grief model continues to be one that is useful for many reasons. It normalizes the emotions many of us experience and helps us to grasp them, cope with them, and work toward healing. While the stages of grief below are explored in the “typical” order (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and finding meaning), it’s important to realize that the stages aren’t linear and may not happen in this order for many of us.
The denial stage involves feelings of resistance, shock, and avoidance. When a tragedy first hits, an automatic response is often disbelief and attempts to deny the reality of it. The numbness that we often feel during this stage is a survival mechanism- a way to cope when things feel too overwhelming to face.
Even the most righteous have experienced this emotional response during times of grief. When the Prophet ﷺ died, ʿUmar (ra) struggled with denial: ʿUmar stood up and said, “By Allah! Allah’s Messenger ﷺ is not dead!” ʿUmar (later on) said, “By Allah! Nothing occurred to my mind except that.” He said, “Verily! Allah will resurrect him and he will cut the hands and legs of some men.”[5]
Some examples of denial in our current situation include:
Denial can be especially difficult because it’s filled with uncertainty and unknowns. There is usually a lot to process, but not much action to take because the future is uncharted territory. Once you start to ask questions like the ones below, it shows that you are beginning to accept the reality of the situation and are moving forward in the healing process:
In this phase, it’s most helpful to acknowledge that nobody has all the answers and that most people are trying to do the best they can with the information they are able to comprehend. Sitting with uncertainty might not feel very good, but it is completely a normal and anticipated human reaction to the unknown. As you begin to come to terms with the reality of the situation, denial begins to fade and difficult feelings may begin to surface.
Anger often arises to protect us from the more painful emotions we feel during times of grief and loss. Anger allows us to feel powerful when we feel helpless in the face of what we have lost. Underneath our anger other deep emotions are brewing—anxiety, abandonment, loneliness, confusion, and pain. You may be feeling angry at everyone around you, at the news you hear every day, and at the changes that you have no control over. Your anger gives you something to focus on during a time when you may feel as though you are floating in an overwhelming sea of nothingness.
Anger is such a powerful and common emotion that there are a great number of hadiths and ayāt that discuss it. In each of these, the emotion itself is not dismissed or criticized. Rather, the approach to deal with anger is emphasized. Allah (swt) characterizes the believers, al-muḥsinīn (the doers of good), as those “who restrain their anger.”[6] The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ reminded us of one of the most profound benefits of this trait when he said, “Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection.”[7]
Some examples of anger in our current situation:
In this stage, one thing that can be particularly helpful is to recognize that you are not yourself right now. When we go through abnormal events, we tend to think abnormally. Thoughts that never would have gone through your mind are now a struggle; reactions you’ve never experienced are suddenly spilling out full force.
Remember that feelings move through us. If you are experiencing anger right now, it doesn’t mean you’ll feel angry forever. Allow yourself to acknowledge that you are feeling angry but don’t react in anger. We can do this by:
A lot of people interpret the COVID-19 pandemic as a personal punishment from Allah (swt) for their shortcomings. While holding ourselves accountable for our mistakes is an important step toward growth and repentance, viewing your personal shortcomings as the reason why so many are suffering can lead to an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. Guilt often goes hand-in-hand with the bargaining stage. This stage often includes “If only…” statements due to the feelings of regret that come up with loss. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ advised us against these thoughts that inevitably bring up more pain. He said, “If anything befalls you, do not say, ‘If only I had done such and such.” Rather say ‘Qaddara Allāhu wa-mā shāʾa faʿala (Allah has decreed and whatever He wills, He does).’ For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.”[13]
Examples of the bargaining stage might look like:
This stage is characterized by an overwhelming desire for life to return to the way it was. With all of the changes that the spread of COVID-19 has wrought on the world, people are missing aspects of their lives that were not even a second thought. As we go through this stage, we may find ourselves focused on the past—a time when we weren’t as overwhelmed or experiencing such intense hurt.
Bargaining is an attempt to regain control during uncontrollable situations. Focusing on the factors within your control, rather than on regrets and a desire to return to the less painful past, can help you to get through this stage.
Once our attention shifts away from the past and into the present, the depression stage can hit hard. We truly begin to feel the loss(es) we’ve experienced, which can yield intense feelings of sadness, loneliness and emptiness. This stage can feel as though it’ll stretch on interminably. These feelings even impacted the best of humanity—the Prophets of Allah عليهم السلام. We see the intensity of these emotions in the Prophet Yaʿqūb عليه السلام when he was separated from his son Yūsuf and he grieved so deeply that his eyes turned white due to the extent to which he cried. His intense grief is expressed in the Qur’an, “And he (Yaʿqūb عليه السلام) said, ‘Oh, my sorrow over Yūsuf,’ and his eyes became white from grief because of the sorrow that he suppressed.”[20]
When we fully realize that the loss we’re dealing with is real, feelings of hopelessness and overwhelming sadness come up. Realize that experiencing depression in a situation like this is a normal and appropriate response—the loss of someone we care about or the life we thought we’d have is an intensely depressing situation.
Examples of thoughts that may arise in the depression stage of grief include:
The earlier stages discussed involve some “running away” from emotions. The depression stage hits when you’re no longer running away and have resolved to feel the loss. Things that can help in this stage include:
The acceptance stage of grief can manifest at different levels throughout the COVID-19 crisis. For those simply quarantining and dealing with the new reality of life with physical distancing, increased personal hygiene precautions, and the changes in everyday life, acceptance of this reality still allows for the knowledge that this new norm is temporary. For those who have lost a job, acceptance may entail recognizing this new reality with the hope that alternative means of income exist on the horizon insha’Allah.
For those who have lost a loved one, this stage is different. It involves accepting the reality that this person is physically gone and that this new reality is the permanent reality. Acceptance does not mean that you’re “ok” with what happened. The loss of someone you love will likely never feel ok. The goal in this stage is to learn how to live with this loss and create a new normal despite the huge piece that is missing. At first, you may find yourself trying to live life exactly as you did before a loved one died. Moving forward in this stage can look like this:
Although the acceptance stage is a huge step forward in living a life that honors your loss while still allowing you to find purpose and fulfillment amidst this void, it can still feel really hard. Some things to consider to help you during this stage include:
It was narrated that Abū Hurayrah said: “The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: ‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless…’”[26]
Accepting the reality of a loss in our lives—whether that be loss through death, job layoffs, or divorce—is an essential step in healing. However, sometimes acceptance doesn’t feel like enough. Particularly after the loss of a loved one, many people experience the thought, “There has to be more.” Grief expert, David Kessler describes this next stage as “finding meaning.” He says, “meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”[27]
Finding meaning cannot erase your grief; pain is a natural reaction to intense loss. However, it can help ease the anguish and help you move forward. As we see in the different stages of grief, our minds can often lead us down negative spirals that increase our torment—finding meaning can help to mitigate this.
This stage looks different for everyone. Here are some ways you might consider finding meaning after the loss of a loved one:
Speaking with children about heavy subjects can be challenging because it brings up some of our own fears and anxieties about the topic itself, but it can also be difficult to figure out how to best explain it in a way that is age-appropriate. If you feel like talking about coronavirus gives you feelings of dread or that you want to avoid this topic altogether, that is completely normal.
Here are some tips on how to discuss coronavirus, or any other heavy topics, with your children:
1. Take care of yourself first. This is akin to putting on your oxygen mask before helping anyone else. Allah (swt) commands us, “O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families…” showing us the importance of caring for ourselves as well as our families.[31] It’s difficult to help your child manage his/her anxiety when you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed. Here are some things to keep in mind:
2. Keep in mind the child’s age and their comprehension level. Ask your child what they already know about what’s happening to gauge how much you need to tell them.
3. Discuss thoughts and feelings presented to you openly while validating the child’s concerns. Let your child know that it’s normal to be worried and scared when so much is changing right now. A child can sense when an adult is hiding information and minimizing your child’s feelings can exacerbate their concerns.
4. Children’s anxieties often surface indirectly through behavior changes. If you notice that your child seems particularly moody or is melting down more often, this may be anxiety presenting itself. Children may develop a fear of being alone in a room or may begin to regress in wetting the bed after being potty-trained. Addressing these changes through compassion, extra hugs, and addressing worries can be helpful.
5. Coping Techniques for Children:
— Tell your children stories of the Prophets that demonstrate how Allah (swt) cares for us, protects us and how we can rely on His strength at all times.
— Help children to focus on what they can do rather than on things outside of their control.
— Practice things your child can do when they feel nervous:
Communication is imperative when talking with children about loss. The child may feel sad, anxious, angry, guilty, or restless both before the loss (anticipatory grief) as well as after. Some children may appear numb, in shock, or denial and this is not unusual either. When the child is experiencing grief, it’s helpful to converse based not only on the age of the child but their disposition as well. Talkative children may want to process and talk about their grief, whereas some children need time or privacy—and this is ok. Do not assume that your child will grieve in the same way you do just because they are your child. Here are some tips for addressing loss with children:
As mentioned earlier grief can look very different from adult to adult and this is also the same for children and adolescents. There are additional behaviors to consider for children as well since their communication skills are not fully developed yet. Some children may display more traditional signs of grief like sadness, being withdrawn, crying, poor or increased appetite, while others may be aggressive by yelling, hitting, or being combative. It’s not uncommon for children to also appear more clingy, whine, wake up at night, or wet their beds. Any persistent behavior that deviates from the normal behavioral baseline of the child could be a manifestation of their grief.
Narrated ʿĀʾishah, Umm al-Muʾminīn, that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said to me: “Aisha! show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in anything, it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it.”[36]
ʿĀʾishah, the wife of Allah’s Apostle ﷺ, reported that Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said: “A’isha, verily Allah is kind and He loves kindness and confers upon kindness which he does not confer upon severity and does not confer upon anything else besides it (kindness).”[37]
It was narrated that Aisha said: “Some Bedouin people came to the Prophetﷺ and said: ‘Do you kiss your children?’ He said: ‘Yes.’ He said: ‘But we, by Allah, never kiss (our children).’ The Prophet ﷺ said: ‘What can I do if Allah has taken away mercy from you?’”[38]
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Whoever among you wakes up in the morning secured in his dwelling, healthy in his body, and having his food for the day, then it is as if the world has been gathered for him.”[39]
In addition to grieving yourself, you may find that you also need to be there for others in your life. Providing support to others can be tricky at times since everyone grieves differently. While there is no formula to help someone in their grief there are some basic tips when you find yourself in that situation.
When we see loved ones crying, in pain or suffering our initial inclination is to help remove whatever is distressing them. That is because we care about our loved ones and want what is best for them. However, with death and some other kinds of loss is that there is nothing to fix or do that can bring back what was lost. Additionally, when people are in the midst of grief the last thing they want is for someone to minimize how they are feeling by being told that “everything will be ok” or that “what happened was for the best.” While these statements may be true, many grieving people report they can not stand hearing cliche statements and that it causes them to feel resentment and want to further isolate themselves.
One helpful tip in trying to be there for others is to be supportive instead of comforting. These terms sound the same, but they are different; comforting someone implies you are trying to rescue them from their pain, whereas supporting someone is helping by however they need help. When you support someone you are meeting them emotionally wherever they are, recognizing what they need and helping them meet those needs if possible.
A list of things to say or not say can be overwhelming for those trying to help, however, there are a few things to keep in mind when talking to the bereaved:
You can determine how to support others by asking them directly. Don’t make assumptions or try to impose yourself based on what you think they want. Here are some things you can do for grieving families if they express interest:
Being there for others is a social responsibility and can be a great source of ajr:
Ibn ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with them) reported: the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection.”[42]
It is important, however, when taking care of other people’s needs to not neglect one’s own family or self. Finding a balance will help prevent from feeling burned out, fatigued, and depressed over time. Tips for taking care of yourself while you take care of others include:
During the coronavirus pandemic it is expected that most, if not all, people will have some difficulties adjusting. Difficult feelings like anxiety, sadness, and anger do not mean that the person is mentally ill, unstable, or that there is something wrong with them. If a person is experiencing really intense emotions for a prolonged period of time, however, it would be useful for them to check in with a mental health professional.
One major indicator that someone needs professional help is if they demonstrate an impaired ability to function in their day-to-day life with their family, at work, socially, emotionally, and sometimes spiritually. Again, this doesn’t mean that the person is mentally ill, but that they would likely benefit from talking to someone with expertise in the field of mental health. Signs that someone might be struggling include:
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of self-harm, it’s imperative to get help right away. Don’t worry about hurting the person’s feelings or them feeling betrayed by you, as saving life is the most important goal and the person will likely be glad about what you did later. You can get immediate help by taking the person to the local emergency room or calling the police. In the US, many states/counties have hotlines you can call 24/7. Some counties also have a Mobile Crisis service that will send out mental health help directly to the person’s home.
Grief is one of the most raw and vulnerable emotional states a person can experience. Although loss is a normal part of life, grief and loss during a pandemic pose unique challenges due to uncertainty and social distancing. While some of us are mourning a loved one’s passing, some of us may be grieving the loss of economic security or a way of life. Grief looks different from person to person, and can also vary greatly from adult to child. Normalizing grief and understanding how it works can help lessen the pain, and assist us in better navigating anxiety and sadness during this unprecedented time. It’s also important to know that while grief can pose challenges to our faith, it doesn’t contradict our faith. We know from the Prophets that grief is a natural and acceptable way to cope when we are faced with loss, and that grief can even bring us closer to Allah. By using the individual, family, and community psychospiritual coping skills outlined in this guide we pray the ummah can find some solace during this pandemic and move towards collectively healing inshaAllah.
Exalted are You; we have no knowledge except what You have taught us. Indeed, it is You who is the Knowing, the Wise.[43]
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.[44]
No disaster strikes except by permission of Allah. And whoever believes in Allah, He will guide his heart. And Allah is Knowledgeable of all things.[45]
Ibn Kathir said about this verse: “Whoever suffered an affliction and he knew that it occurred by Allah’s Judgment and Decree, and he patiently abides, awaiting Allah’s reward, then Allah guides his heart, and will compensate him for his loss in this life by granting guidance to his heart and certainty in faith. Allah will replace whatever he lost for Him with the same or what is better. ʿAlī ibn Abī Ṭalḥah reported from Ibn ʿAbbās: ‘… and whosoever believes in Allah, He guides his heart.’ Allah will guide his heart to certainty. Therefore, he will know that what reached him would not have missed him and what missed him would not have reached him.”
ʿAbd Allāh ibn Masʿūd reported: I entered the home of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, while he was suffering from fever. I said, “O Messenger of Allah, you are suffering from a strong fever.” The Prophet said, “Yes, for I am afflicted with fever like two men among you.” I said, “Is it that you have a double reward?” The Prophet said, “Yes, it is so. Likewise, there is no Muslim who is afflicted with pain as much as the prick of a thorn or more but that Allah will expiate his sins just as leaves fall from a tree.”[46]
It was narrated from Abū Hurayrah that: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Allah says, ‘I am as My slave thinks I am, and I am with him when he mentions Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws to Me a hand-span length, I draw near to him a forearm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him in a hurry.”[47]
On the authority of Abū ʿAbbās ʿAbd Allāh ibn ʿAbbās (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: One day I was behind the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) [riding on the same mount] and he said, “O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice]: Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.”[48]
Narrated Abū Hurayrah: Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said, “The example of a believer is that of a fresh tender plant; from whatever direction the wind comes, it bends it, but when the wind becomes quiet, it becomes straight again. Similarly, a believer is afflicted with calamities (but he remains patient till Allah removes his difficulties.) And an impious wicked person is like a pine tree which keeps hard and straight till Allah cuts (breaks) it down when He wishes.”[49]
Narrated Abū ʿUthmān: Usāmah ibn Zayd said that while he, Saʿd and Ubayy ibn Kaʿb were with the Prophet (peace be upon him) a daughter of the Prophet (peace be upon him) sent a message to him, saying. “My daughter is dying; please come to us.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) sent her his greetings and added “It is for Allah what He takes, and what He gives; and everything before His sight has a limited period. So she should hope for Allah’s reward and remain patient.” She again sent a message, beseeching him by Allah, to come. So the Prophet (peace be upon him) got up and so did we (and went there). The child was placed on his lap while his breath was irregular. Tears flowed from the eyes of the Prophet. Saʿd said to him, “What is this, O Allah’s Apostle?” He said, “This is Mercy which Allah has embedded in the hearts of whomever He wished of His slaves. And Allah does not bestow His Mercy, except on the merciful among His slaves.”[50]
[1] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 1304.
[2] Qur’an 2:155–57.
[3] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 6619.
[4] J. William Worden, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th ed. (New York: Springer Publishing, 2009).
[5] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 3667.
[6] Qur’an 3:134.
[7] al-Ṭabarāni, vol. 12, no. 453; Ṣaḥīḥ al-Jāmiʿ, no. 6518.
[8] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 5764; Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, no. 2610.
[9] Jāmiʿ al-Tirmidhī, no. 2191.
[10] Sunan Abī Dāwūd, no. 4784.
[11] Sunan Abī Dāwūd, no. 4782.
[12] Musnad Aḥmad, no. 2137.
[13] Sunan Ibn Mājah, no. 79.
[14] Osman Umarji, Hassan Elwan, and Mustafa Umar, “A Punishment or a Mercy? What We Can Learn from the Coronavirus,” Yaqeen, April 14, 2020, https://yaqeeninstitute.org/osman-umarji/a-punishment-or-a-mercy-what-we-can-learn-from-the-coronavirus/.
[15] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 6619.
[16] Sunan Abī Dāwūd, no. 5097.
[17] Sunan Abī Dāwūd, no. 4700.
[18] Ibn al-Qayyim, al-Fawāʾid (Makkah: Dār ʿĀlam al-Fawāʾid, 2009), 152.
[19] Complicated grief is a particular type of grief that continues for an extended period of time. While there is a natural depressive reaction that comes with a major loss, these grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time. Those of complicated grief can continue or get worse. This heightened state of mourning can prevent a person from healing, so seeking professional help is recommended if your intense grief or ability to function does not begin to improve one year after the loss of a loved one.
[20] Qur’an 12:84.
[21] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 1303.
[22] Qur’an 94:5–6.
[23] Qur’an 13:23–24.
[24] Qur’an 52:21.
[25] Sunan Ibn Mājah, no. 1598.
[26] Sunan Ibn Mājah, vol. 1, bk. 1, hadith 79.
[27] Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss (New York: Scribner, 2005).
[28] Qur’an 18:31.
[29] Sunan Ibn Mājah, no. 4259.
[30] Sunan Ibn Mājah, no. 237.
[31] Qur’an 66:6.
[32] Qur’an 64:11.
[33] Qur’an 106:4.
[34] Jami` al-Tirmidhī, no. 2517.
[35] Sunan Abī Dāwūd, no. 5082; Jami` al-Tirmidhī, no. 3575.
[36] Sunan Abī Dāwūd, no. 4808.
[37] Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, no. 2593.
[38] Sunan Ibn Mājah, no. 3665.
[39] Jāmiʿ al-Tirmidhī, vol. 4, bk. 10, hadith 2346.
[40] Ibn Qayyim al-Jawzī, Zād al-maʿād (Beirut: Resalah Publishers, 2005).
[41] Sunan Ibn Mājah, no. 1610.
[42] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 2442; Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, no. 2580.
[43] Qur’an 2:32.
[44] Qur’an 2:216.
[45] Qur’an 64:11.
[46] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 5324.
[47] Sunan Ibn Majah, no. 3822.
[48] Al-Arba’in al-Nawawiyya, no. 19.
[49] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, no. 5644.
[50] Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī, bk. 70, hadith 559.
As we come around the corner into the second third of Ramadan, we might be seeing signs of loss of motivation, especially in this era of physical distancing where we are away from our masajid.
Join our panel of speakers as they offer insight as to why we seem to lose some motivation towards the middle of Ramadan, and tips on how to overcome or prevent the infamous “Ramadan dip”.
Presented by Yaqeen Canada and Islamic Relief Canada
How can we transform our mindset into one of gratitude? Sarah Sultan provides some practical tips on how to view our struggles and hardships through a positive lens.